Thursday, March 25, 2010

Portland March Madness Trip Report (Longish)

This is my account of last week's extended weekend down in Portland for the first round of March Madness 2010.


The first evening started out at the Gentlemen's Club where we discussed Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon... okay, Flan and I were drinking tall boys of PBR's in his bed watching basketball... okay, okay, they weren't tall boys. We played it tame Thursday night, in anticipation of a weekend to remember.


Flan woke up at an ungodly hour to go into work. 4am? 5am? I slept. BAM texts me saying he is 40 miles out at 9am, so I hop out of bed and MAX downtown to find a pub. Beautiful day, so I wander around for a few miles, eventually slipping into Schmizza. The server says they aren't open for another 30 minutes, and do I want a beer? I am confused, but order two 23oz beers and some pizza tots.

BAM arrives!

I pay up my first of many lost prop bets on the weekend--he made it before the end of the first round of NCAA games. He adds the dollar to his stack of 99 ones. He lost the dollar back by the end of the game, which I added into my wad of 60 ones. Flan calls and we plan to meet up in an hour at Buffalo Wild Wings. With an hour left, BAM and I check out the drink specials at Schimzza and see 2pm-6pm Happy Hour specials on "$5 Schlong Island Iced Tea". BAM butters up the server and she hooks us up, since it is still before noon. BAM and I stumble out 30mins later.

Flan's co-worker can't make it, so we change plans and meet at the MVP Sports Bar slash Thai restaurant. Two hour wait on food when we arrive, so we start drinking a pitcher of Bud Light and a pitcher of Coors Light. 30 minutes later the entire restaurant has cleared out and BAM is spitting game on the MVP server, who sits down with us for a few minutes to watch the basketball games. I'm pretty sure we had some prop bets at this place, but I can't remember... possibly betting on what the score will be when the next white guy scores. A couple pitchers later...

What the hell did we do after that? Oh yeah, we MAX'd to NE Portland, then walked 2.5 miles to meet up with Jesse for... drinks. I know it is 2.5 miles because I won a dollar off of Flan, who thought it was only a mile. Someone with a fancy phone looked that shit up. We made a pit-stop at Irving Park on our walk for restrooms and I swooped in on 3 people tossing a disc. Got my throws in, then we finished the death march to the Tin Shed.

I spilled my first Gin & Tonic all over the place, which led to the first of several "will MHG spill another drink at this table?" bets on the weekend. After my 3rd (2nd?) G&T I craved a burrito from the Mexican restaurant just down the street, so I bounced. Just down the street ended up being another 2 mile road trip of stumbles and tunnel vision. I made it back in one piece and put the burrito in my mouth on the bench outside the Tin Shed.

We walked... gah... another 1/2 mile to another bar for... more drinks. It was sunny and I was happy. We heard stories of Flan tandem-bicycling with Jesse's friend Brad, and Flan bailing out on Brad, which led Brad to hit a tree. Yeah, that's about all I comprehended.

Then Flan and I got a ride from Jesse to Flan's indoor soccer game in SE Portland. BAM and I had a sidebet on Flan's goalkeeping ability. I had under 2 goals against, BAM took the over. Two minutes into the game BAM won the bet, but I quickly texted BAM to "Let it Ride!" with his winnings on the outcome of the game. Flan's team stormed back and won 8-4. I had a beer and a bucket of popcorn while rooting on the friendly sasquatch.

Ryan, Klink, Nat Arrive!!!

BAM heads back to the house to meet up with the new arrivals. Flan says "Fuck that, let's go drink to celebrate the soccer win!" I gasp. But shrug my shoulders and follow. Flan The Wise leads me on a walk to a bar a few blocks away and as we saddle up to the bar, the bartender says, "33.4 seconds left on $1 PBR Tall Boys." Flan doesn't miss a beat: "Four PBR's!" I take two. We celebrate. Apparently the deal only stands as long as the Blazers are playing.

We make it home on a ride from one of Flan's teammates. Even the two mile ride is eventful. We stop at a light and see this skinny indie guy punching these two muscular bald guys in the face. I try and piece together what is going on. A bike is on its side in the street. Scruffy Indie guy is going apeshit on two huge bald guys. Eventually a fourth guy comes in and tries to get the Indie guy to stop hitting the bald guys in the face. He succeeds... temporarily. The bald guys get back in their car, and then the crazy Indie guy runs up and kicks the driver's side window... shattering it... with the driver sitting in the seat. Shiiiiit. The driver gets out. The Indie guy finally realizes "Oh shit." and runs to his bike, picks it up and tries to peddle the fuck out of Dodge. Unfortunately, the 4th observer guy grabs the back tire and as the Indie guy is peddling and looking over his shoulder, he realizes the bald guy is walking up to him, and he isn't going anywhere. I expect blows, but the bald guy starts a conversation. The second the bald guy points to his car and looks over at it, the Indie guy cheeses it, and runs down the block and around the corner.

We, along with four other cars that are watching the show, end up leaving without any heroic action.

Flan and I make it back to the house and celebrate our safe arrival with UFO Pizza and a game of Munchkin and more PBR. Klink kicks all our asses and takes our money at Munchkin. We head downstairs for some shufflepuck for $$'s. I think Nat and I beat BAM and Flan, but I could be mistaken. We all pass out on the couches watching Vince Vaughn telling us that we're so money we don't even know it.

Jonno Arrives!


Oh God, Saturday.

Another beautiful day in Portland, but this time we don't get moving until 11:30 or so. BAM tries to get a bet in on waking up Jonno for breakfast, but nobody will take it. The six of us (minus Jonno) roll into NW Portland for breakfast. The wait for breakfast is 90 minutes, so we kick the soccer ball around in the street for 90 minutes until our 6-top is ready. I heroically nut Flan with the ball, then he cheap-shots me back while I am taking photos.

The wait is worth it, and our breakfast is delicious. Mine consists of a chocolate shake, a tall boy of PBR, a grilled cheese sandwich, and a cup of tomato soup. BAM and Flan make an over/under bet on how many times to guy at the bar will check out Klink on her way back from the bathroom. I think BAM wins with over 3. This restaurant's slogan: "You eat here because we let you" and this restaurant has panties with their slogan for sale.

We walk around the Pearl District for an hour in the sun. Klink checks out the architecture while the five guys try to find things to bet on. How long it will take the girl longboarding to fall? Can Nat climb that tree? How many strides does it take MHG to cross a street? My favorite bet of Pearl District had to be the Dandelion Racing we did in the little park stream. Ryan, Nat and I dropped dandelions into a little winding stream at the same point, and although Ryan's mammoth dandelion started out hot, much like the red hydroplane racer at M's games, he caught a snag and my green hydroplane did a spin move off of him and won the race for a cool $2 profit. Nat's sunk, or something.

We walked around for a bit, then found a sports bar to watch some more basketball and drink more beer. This bar is where the side bets really starts picking up. The table next to us has March Madness crazies as well, and I take one of their guys' money repeatedly on prop bets. First bet he set the over/under of the total score of the game we were watching at 145, I take the over and win the bet with 6 minutes remaining in the game. Second bet was who would take the half in the Northern Iowa vs. Kansas game, UNI was up five with five minutes to go and he picked Kansas. Ship it! Third bet I was feeling bad for the guy, so he picked Kansas to win the game, and I took UNI. $3! Hahaha.

The six of us get about ten games of Asshole in while watching basketball and drinking. We watch UW beat down New Mexico, and have some quality bets on the game and side action. Nat and I have a secret side bet on who will eat the last curly fry from the basket. He picks BAM and I take Flan. Our $1's are on the table, and others at the table keep asking what our bet is, but we can't say. Flan deduces that the bet involves him and BAM, so he promptly bets a dollar on himself, BAM obliges. Ryan tries to get action on the side action, but Klink keeps her dollar. Flan starts doing all sorts of things to try and win the bet, he gets close with dipping a curly fry in ketchup and eating it, but he can't figure it out. The curly-fry bet ends up being terrible, because nobody is eating the fries. Nat and I get sick over eating the entire basket (and which I blame for my "Stinky" nickname). We finally get the basket down to one fry and we stick the basket in the direct middle of the table and say "ONE LEFT" Flan grabs it, shoves it in his mouth, and wins him and me crisp George Washingtons!

Jenn and Eli Arrive!!!

Jenn, Eli and Jonno meet us at the sports bar and I get a side bet in with Jenn at some point, but I forget what for. We are seated at different tables, and I win $1 off Flan for picking Jenn to be the first one to look over at our table. Flan had Eli. We agreed not to influence their looking over at our table, and it took a good 15 minutes for Jenn to finally look over and win me my Flan dollar. I remember BAM winning a lot of big side bets, but I don't remember what they were... little help?

Klink lost some of her Munchkin money to me. First with a bet on when the current basketball game will go to commercial break. I set the over/under at 11:45 left in the game. She takes over. A guy drives to the basket at 11:50 and I don't like my chances. The ref's whistle blows at 11:47 on his way to the hoop, getting fouled. She's won the bet... but wait! The clock keeps ticking! It doesn't stop ticking until 11:44, three seconds after the whistle, and the game goes to commercial break, and I win the bet!!! Whoop! Bad beat for Klink, but if you want that dollar back you can always... go fuck yourself! hah! She wins the dollar back shortly thereafter calling "Over" on a 10-point end game spread in the UW/NM game. She offers an additional bet on a 20-point spread, which I initially turn down, but then accept. UW is up 21 with 15 seconds left and New Mexico drains a seemingly inconsequential 3-ball to ship me my blood money back. Bad beat #2 for Klink!

At some point I reach for my winning bet and spill my beer onto Ryan's quick-dry shorts. BAM collects side-bet spillage bet from Flan.

After UW wins, we bounce from the bar and go to a penthouse party at Flan's work friend's new place. Drink more PBR. The place is great, and the condo complex is out of this world. We bring our drinks up to the penthouse and get a bird's eye view of the city while watching more basketball. We get kicked out by a group that reserved the room 30 minutes later. Boo. We head back to our vehicles. One car goes to the Kava and Hooka bar, the other two head back to Flan's place to change and wash up. We all find our way to the "Pied Cow" Kava and Hooka bar.

We share two or three bowls of Kava, share a few candelabras of Hooka, and play Mafia for money. The only mafioso to pull off a victory is Jenn, but we all suspect foul play when she tips Flan (the game master that round) $2. I lose a 10-push up bet somewhere in there. Eli "goes to the bathroom" at the restaurant at some point and returns with a 12-pack of PBR. Time stands still at the Pied Cow, and we leave around 9pm after enough laughs to fill an episode of Full House.

Pre-arranged ping-pong plans fall through and we scoot down to Ground Kontrol and Voodoo Doughnuts. Voodoo's slogan: "The Magic is in the Hole" also panties for sale. I win $1 off of BAM at NBA Jam with Reggie "Mr. Clutch" Miller draining a shot at the buzzer. Dr. Mario, Frogger, Q-bert, Tron and pinball fun is had. We roll back to Flan's and Nat destroys at Liar's dice while we attempt to finish off all of the booze in the house.


We don't succeed, because I find a very dented PBR in the morning and crack it open, and start watching bball. Flan is off ski-racing on Mt. Hood so I continue to hide my new empty cans of PBR around his house where he will run into them. In the shower, on the bed post, etc. At about 2pm, after watching basketball and serenading Nat and Klink on Flan's bed with Counting Crows, Blues Traveler and Bone Thugz, I pack up and ride back North to Seattle on my motorcycle in a slight drizzle.

The End.

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Blogger SirFWALGMan said...

You sure you want to post that you were in some dudes bed?

1:16 PM  

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