The Night I Chose A Door

I really shouldn't still be up. Tomorrow, I have a long day planned with either a six-hour hike up Mt. Tallac, or a 4-hour round-trip drive to Nevada City to pick up the rest of my stuff left at Kristina's. I also have to be at work seven hours from now, which means getting up six hours from now--and that usually equates to a grumpy and yawn-filled morning for yours truly.

But I have a feeling tomorrow will be different.

Tonight, I finally forced myself to answer a few questions that have been troubling me about my decision to try the teacher's path. I eventually tagged on a "Path" label to the bottom of my "To Do" list. I started jotting down what I need to do, and what I want to do in the upcoming months all the way out to the end of the teacher's cert. program. And I was able to put my doubts to rest.

I have from about October 2007 until June 2008 where I can work full-time, if I so choose, which should be more than enough time to save enough money to get me through the "no.way.in.hell.can.I.work.and.go.to.school" Fall 2008 and Spring 2009 schedule of the teacher's cert. program. That also leaves late August and all of September 2007 for me to get my observation hours done, catch up with friends, settle in, and charge my batteries for the long road ahead.

It didn't really hit me until I turned off my computer tonight and my head hit the pillow--but I've finally done it. I've finally chosen one of the many doors I've tried so hard to keep open. I've blabbed about it before, but my whole life from 1982 to 2004 was about keeping as many doors open as possible, and I was pretty good at it (and lucky enough to have lots of doors open to begin with). Then I graduated college and felt lost in a world that I really had no experience with. It was time to chose one of the doors I had tried so hard to keep open for myself, and I had a damned hard time doing it. I knew by choosing a door, I'd be closing other doors for good--and that isn't something I was willing to do.

Instead of choosing a door--instead of moving back to Seattle and starting a career--I decided to see what other doors I could pry open. I had a blast wandering, and I have no regrets whatsoever with the way I spent my time from 2004 to 2007. I grew. I tried new things, I met all sorts of new people, and all of my experiences have influenced who I am today. If I had gone back to Seattle and started working on a career right away, I would probably still be eating a McDonald's breakfast once a week and drinking copious amounts of Mt. Dew. I also would have objected to that last line I wrote, asking, "What is wrong with McD's breakfast and Mt. Dew?!"

But, I've changed. And it is a change for the better. And now I've changed some more--it finally struck me tonight that teaching is not only something I want to do, it the best possible door for me to pick out of the millions of doors I've managed to keep open. To me, it is the most worthy profession out there. More important than doctors or policemen or firemen. But much more important than worthiness is the fact that teaching makes me happy. And much like frisbee brings out the best in me, so too does teaching.

When I realized all of this tonight, in my pitch-black room with my head resting on my pillow--a smile broke out across my face. And it felt really, really good. I felt as though all of the doubt and worry I had about this whole teaching choice had just been released from my body. While I watched all the negatives disappear, I realized I was left with happiness, excitement and determination to prove that I can be a great teacher.

I'm sure the doubts will find their way back in from time to time, but I am going to hang onto this feeling I have tonight for as long as I possibly can.